The Two-Patty Theory

We got Burger King for everyone tonight (it was just easier, OK?), and when Daphne opened her Whopper she said, “Mom, I got two patties! Why are there two instead of one?” I said, “I guess it’s your lucky day.” Ten minutes later, she announced that she had five theories as to why she received […]

QOTD: Yo Mama from my Mama

I swear, I don’t even have to speak to family members to get faced. I can hear them all using the same tone and inflection. For example, I sent Mom to the person who cuts my hair, and she’s had two appointments canceled on her already. She’s fed up and going to another place. I felt […]

QOTD

Me: it’s nine o’clock. We should get up. I think the kids are all up. Guy: They are. Someone pounded on the door a couple times. Me: What? I slept right through that. What did they need? Guy: I dunno. Me: Well, who was it? Guy: I dunno. Me: Are you kidding me? Guy: It […]

QOTD

“I may be over-thinking this, but it never seemed this complicated with a glass of Jack Daniels.” —My Southern fiancé, standing buck naked in front of a mirror, trying to perfect a bow tie.

QOTD

Just now, I showed Guy the Blue Ball (*cymbals*) jars I decorated with raffia that we’re using for flowers Saturday. He stared in admiration. Guy: “You did that?” Me: “What? Do you think I sit around drinking bon bons?”

QOTD

We just booked our honeymoon trip, leaving the morning after the wedding out of SFO. That’s an hour away from home, so… You guessed it, fabulous wedding night accommodations! Guy: First night as husband and wife and I will be next to an airport…if that is not my life I don’t know what is.

Non-idiopathic QOTD

The kids and I were hanging out yesterday, Logan playing Xbox and Daphne cross stitching her Club Penguin avatar while I made awesomesauce. I don’t remember how we got there—probably as a result of fabulously creative age-appropriate smack talk in front of us during Call of Duty—but at one point Logan said to the screen, […]