FINALLY, the court order came through and I can talk about what’s been going on all this time. It’s a lot to swallow at once so I’ll bullet-point it for you and fill in the rest in the coming days.
- I’m pregnant again, and just beginning to show. Praise the Lord!
- I’m back with my ex. Now, before you freak out, remember that a few things have changed. He’s been so sweet about it all. We are getting married again next week, in a small ceremony.
- I’ve come into some money. An inheritance, in fact. An eccentric relative thought it would be prudent to set the time of distribution to coincide with the end of the first quarter of my 43rd year. Very funny. Thank you, but very funny. My ex has very patient, but it has finally paid off. He now has a title and land, so please hereafter refer to him as His Most High Emminance.
- Guy is actually gay. I’ve been playing his live-in girlfriend until the verdict. Now he’s won and the case can’t be re-tried now that he’s been found innocent of all charges. It would be double jeopardy to try him again so nothing I say now can change that. Thank God, because there’s no statute of limitations on…well, it doesn’t matter now.
- My kids didn’t really get a puppy last month, it was a pony named Pixie. Daphne has been learning to ride bareback at the circus academy and is star pupil on the acrobatic riding team. Those long legs have finally come in handy.
- Dylan is adopted.
- Oh, the inheritance: it’s a big one. It means I can sell the place in Marrekesh and bring those monies back to the US. That was part of the trial, but I still can’t go into that part of it. There’s a village at stake.
- Anyway, it turns out that this relative died a billionaire. I was surprised at the size of the estate and even though we’ve only a 50% percent share, it’s still a cool $500 million. (The rest is earmarked for a secret investment in Nigeria. Just have to email bank info and that will be buttoned up.) Thank goodness the date of death was in 2010: no inheritance tax, baby!
- Getting back with my ex was one condition of the inheritance. This relative could never understand why we split up, and after reading through the many notebooks of poetry left behind, I can totally see why.
- Now I feel better about having triplets; we’ve always wanted more kids, and now they will all be set for life, as long as I don’t stray from the Church. That really shouldn’t be a problem as I’ve grown to love being a homemaker. I’m proud of my cooking, and have exceptional ironing skills. Now I can stand all day in heels it doesn’t bother me at all.
- I speak eight languages. At first that was a plus, as we went from war-torn country to war-torn country looking a child to adopt, but we eventually found our Dylan right here in Fresno. Who knew? An Albanian family in Fresno, and I spoke the same dialect.
- My parents were never married. Understandable, I suppose. He was a Hatfield, she a McCoy.
Well, that’s it for now. I’ve some butter to finish churning before it sours and need to finish ironing all my honey’s shirts so he has a selection to choose from before he goes to work. We thought it would be fun for him to keep his job even though we no longer need the money. Getting through meetings has become a riot because whenever one of his employees forgets to use his title, they start all over again. He’s such a kidder!