I woke up this morning and noticed that the room surrounding me was not the usual room that I awake in. My first thought was, “holy crap is my wife going to be ticked”. Glancing through the fog that encompasses my head, I grabbed my head to make sure that it hadn’t split open in the manner that it felt. I noticed three toddlers, that are not mine – and they’re not on TV, slouched around a couch in various positions. The biggest boy is upside down tossing chocolate chips into his mouth, the youngest girl is perched on the armrest hugging a teddy bear and the middle boy – well, he’s moving a little fast to follow. The familiar “Are you ready kids?!” is heard on the television. The kids shout back “Aye, aye, captain!!!!” HOLY CRAP are they loud. I somehow manage to tune them out and begin searching for clues to my whereabouts. Looking around the room I notice lots of interesting things, including:
1. a pile of empty beer cans in the shape of the CN tower
2. a large pile of dirt in the shape of Devil’s Tower on the dining room table
3. 28 boxes of used matches each with “no blue flame” scribed on the box
4. four broken albums of Joni Mitchell’s greatest hits
5. a gorgeous white frosted cake glued to the ceiling
6. a full size Sean Connery cutout with what appears to be a score posted over his head (old: 21 Young:1 both:5)
7. A banister with the words “genuine-i-e-i-o”, “snowball”, “Jenn”, “Cyn” and “Wo” carved deep in the railing.
8. Several crumpled pieces of paper with various spellings of the word “poutine”
9. a 21 page dissertation on the uses of “nylon rope”
10. several empty bottles of Crown Royal around a mass of a muscular man clad in only in a bright blue tarp and wading boots. For some reason the term “Inuit toss” comes to mind and I have no idea why. I shake the “tarpman” to wake him. He’s mumbling something along the lines of “Shania, if you keep doing that, Mrs. G might move you to the top of the list”.
Shania was rubbing my face and she reached over and licked my nose. I thought this strange, but I heard she was a bit kinky that way. What I couldn’t figure out is why she had such dog breath. I heard a faint rumble. My eyes wouldn’t open, but the rumble was getting louder. Like an underwater drum the pounding droned on. My mouth was dry, but in a horrible dragon breath way. I ran through my mind and wondered how it got that way. I could not remember the cause. My eyes began to see the faintness of light creeping in and it felt as though they might gush blood at any moment. The underwater drum continued. I reached down for what I thought was the cottony covers from bed, but suddenly I felt a plastic feeling. The crinkle sound of plastic. Not plastic wrap like you would use to cover leftovers, but the hard heavy plastic of a tarp. Realization began to grip the back of my mind and a rush of reality began its descent like an avalanche of memories.
I felt someone shake me like and the swaying motion felt like a small raft on a large ocean. My eyes were open. but a faint darkness was still present. I looked up to see Molly licking the stickiness off my face. As I rolled over, I toppled a stack of beer cans, a couple of which had some of the warm swill still within their content. I reached up to wipe the dog slobber from my forehead and noticed my hands where completely covered in dirt. Across the room I noticed the “Devil’s Tower” on the kitchen table.
My feet were sweating and they felt wet. I looked down and I was wearing hip waders filled with what I thought was water. As I climbed to me knees, the warm liquid ran out of the boots. It had an awful stench of pond water, or the algeaous smell of stagnant water. The droning was continuing, and I searched its source. A small child was holding a hammer and a large piece of hard candy was on the coffee table before him. He appeared to be breaking the candy into pieces and giving them a too the little girl on the couch.
I felt the rush of nausea and was hoping to find the bathroom door but I whipped off a boot and used that to keep from causing more damage. To the floor.
The innocent face of the little girl on the couch grinned as she point and declared “Fwunny, and giggled. I have no idea what she found so amusing.
I stood, lost my balance and crashed to the floor taking with me a man looking a lot like Sean Connery. As I fell, I found the source of the water. A hose had been run from the back of the house to the kitchen and up to the aquarium sitting on a shelf. Under the shelf sat Lee. He was holding what looked to be a broken fly rod, and a frayed piece of nylon rope. A confused look crossed his face as he stumbled to his feet. He turned and stuck in the back of his shirt was a very large fish hook looking all too familiar as a “Buck Tail” fly. Things were becoming clear to me now.
The smell of pond water, frayed nylon rope, broken fly rod and Sean Connery mask jarred fragments of memories from my throbbing head. I turned and looked at tarpman, about to question him when I then noticed what he was doing. He held the 6 foot tall replica of Devil’s Tower as a small child would clutch a parent’s leg. His muddy fingers ran up and down the large mountain, picking peanut M&M’s from the crevasses. He whispered to it, “She’s coming home. Any minute. We are in SO much trouble”.
I could tell that he knows something. He knows where I am and why I’m here. Hopefully, he knows a good cleaning lady.
I had no idea who I was talking to but I knew there was hell to pay. I continued my mantra like Gollum talking to his master. I leaned my head against the cold moist dirt and the spinning stopped. Looking down the hall I could see legs protruding from a bedroom. They lay motionless and lifeless like a mannequin. I could see that this person was naked. A towel was draped across the back of her legs I shot a glance at the boys in the room and they were singing something about a noodle dance. I continued my mantra, “please let this be a bad dream, please let this be a bad dream”. At what point did I lose consciousness?
The last thing I remember was the challenge of the the great bannister race, and the chunk of wood that jammed into my backside when the spindle broke. The numbness of my backside was still there, but I could feel the large sliver still piercing the skin. I looked at Lee for assistance and he somehow had a vest containing a pair of needle nose pliers. He calmly said in a low whisper, “bend over”. I relunctantly complied. Too bad all the anesthesia in the house had already be emptied. I could use some of it to sterilize those pliers as well.
It was over quickly, and I remember the little girl giggling just as the sharpness of the pain reached its apex. Things at that point went black as I fell.
As I dropped the football size sliver from Genuine’s rear to the floor, I noticed a piece of paper that appeared to be used as a napkin. Upon closer examination I noticed that it was a nice typed letter that read:
Answers to the Quiz:
3. Stripedy PJs – orange and yellow
10. Her brother
“When was there a quiz?”, I questioned to myself. Genuine looked at me like a dog listening to a high pitched noise. For some reason, I expect to find another quiz somewhere in this room. On the floor is a small tape recorder. I press play and am astounded to find that it’s a rather heated conversation between my wife and I.
Loving wife: Just who is this Genuine and why has SHE posted naked pictures of you fishing?
Me: Um, because Genuine is a HE and HE got my “good side”. HE’S also married and has kids. H wife is expecting a couple weeks after you’re due.
Loving wife: Oh. Well. That’s ok then.
I have no memory of this conversation. I notice Genuine is gazing down the hall. I follow his gaze and am surprised to see a woman. Naked. I begin to chant, “Please don’t be my wife. Please don’t be my wife. Please don’t be my wife” in my head. To my relief, it’s not. I recognize her. It’s….